o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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