i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
