just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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