I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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