Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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