So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
