I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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