...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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