what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
