There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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