This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
