Soap is not a condiment
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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