dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
