I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
