Whatcha textin bout Willis?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
