Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
