I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
