remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
