I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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