textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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