I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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