Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I need to calm my uterus...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
