my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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