his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
