An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
