I think I won the penis lottery.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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