He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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