So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
