i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
