I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
