The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
