either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
