What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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