I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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