I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
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