my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
she peed on how many people?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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