Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
