I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
