Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
