so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
