My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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