I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
