ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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