i think my tv is drunk
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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