I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
