Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
