doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
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i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
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The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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