I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
