Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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