I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
