I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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