You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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