How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
