Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
