oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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