The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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